Fall Guys beans are abominations — a horror story in six parts

A tweet from the official Fall Guys account has reminded us that the Fall Guy — aka, the bean — is an abomination that deserves both our terror and our pity.

An influx of Fall Guys players will for the first time be getting their hands on the game, excited to check out the battle royale's relaunched season one now that it has gone free-to-play. However, what new players might not know is that the world of Fall Guys is a hauntingly cruel place, occupied by bean-like denizens whose true grotesquery lies just beneath their doughy, colourful exteriors.

Epic Games has once again failed to relabel Fall Guys as existential horror

The Fall Guys Twitter account has once more begun to unfurl the truth to new fans, but we're afraid they won't go far enough, and have taken matters into our own hands. Even as you collect your new Fall Guys PlayStation trophies, you might be dreadfully unaware of the terrible cost for your actions.

Fall guys are tall
Let's start with the first tell that all is not as it should be — the Fall Guy is six foot tall. In and of itself, this information does not seem all that terrifying; they've got a cute exterior, and there weren't too many reports of kids screaming and destroying PS4s when Baymax appeared in Kingdom Hearts 3. Baymax, however, is a robot-shaped balloon — the fall guy is no balloon.

Artists have yet to imagine the musculature.

Fall guys are flesh and bone monstrosities
This shockingly canon picture posted by the Fall Guys account in 2020 strikes deep at the core of everything that is wrong with the fall guy. This is no cartoon balloon person — this is a flesh and blood abomination, its body contorted in such a way as to only make sense tackling the light acrobatic duties of its TV show gauntlet. Has the fall guy always been this way? Was it once something else? Something more human? We can only speculate.

Fall guys are naked
As should be quite evident from the above, we are also not looking at a balloon person or a silly man in a comedically oversized suit, but in fact a six-foot tall naked anthropomorphised beast. While senior designer of Fall Guys, Joe Walsh, claimed "they can’t feel the cold," that doesn't stop us from shivering at the idea of coming face-to-face with this six foot tall, naked, nerveless, bag monster.

Fall guys have no mouth, and yet they must cheer
The fall guy has no discernible mouth, nor apparently any need for food or sustenance, and we're not entirely sure whether a fall guy can ever die. All we know is that they do produce sound from some muffled sound-emitting organ within their bodies. From the outside, we can hear the fall guy cheering and whooping — but are they really cheering? Or does the sound of their screams get so muffled travelling through their body that all we can hear sounds closer to an excitable 'woo-hoo'?

Internally, there's so much to be discovered.

Fall guys can rip a human being in half
In the same interview, Walsh also confirmed that should you be standing between a fall guy and its crown, there's every possibility that the creature will tear you in half trying to get it. "It’s like hippos and water, you never want to get in their way like that," he said, stating that they "wouldn't want to" kill us; that it just might happen. As if their being six foottall flesh monsters weren't enough, their bumbling nature puts everyone and everything in their path at risk of being eviscerated.

Fall guys live in an endless torture world
Most tragic of all, however, is the torturous life that a fall guy must endure. "Fall Guys exist in this world to compete and they're full of enthusiasm and quests for glory, but they pop into existence, they compete, and they go forever," said Walsh in another interview. It's unclear if by 'go forever,' Walsh meant 'disappear' or 'never die,' though given he also said that the fall guy you're assigned is always the same one, it would appear as though they cannot.

The wingspan is what makes this extra distressing.

And so the tragedy of the creature is laid as bare as their naked, colourful skin. There are no fall guy babies — they pop into existence fully-formed and ready to compete. Compete for who? They do not know. The audience sounds are simulated to manipulate their spirits, and the show signal is broadcast, but nobody knows where. For what purpose? Unclear — there's something about a cruel god involved, but otherwise no details are known.

So while we must fear the fall guy, for the fall guy is truly dangerous to us and everyone, we must also pity it. It's life is one of endless suffering, pain, and screams for the amusement of no one. Sounds familiar? Has hearing about the fall guy and his agony reminded you of your own endless toil? Let us know in the comments below!

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Written by Lee Brady

Staff Writer Lee loves writing about the game design of classic PS Plus Premium games and upcoming PS5 games like Marvel's Spider-Man 2 and Final Fantasy XVI. He's a big proponent of video games as an evolving artistic medium, though he's also a fan of Sonic the Hedgehog games, so the medium might want to keep looking for a better spokesperson.