BenNoddy's Blog - Jan to Mar 20 (7 followers)

My Anxiety OR My head carries the blood of demons which I must battle dailyPermalink
So because of a rather public post I made, I thought I might do a blog about how my anxiety manifests and effects me. Bear with me, I get the feeling that, like that thread, this will be all over the place too. (Edit after completion - this was more or less written from stream of consciousness. If you think this is weird and/or completely bonkers, I know and I agree. I live with this head smile)

So I did have a point - top earner is a cool stat for the GTTSC, but I didn't see the benefit in bringing up the individual side in presenting it. While I understand it wasn't intended to be malicious, it just hit the right nerve at the right time to send the hamster running on the wheel at eighty thousand miles per hour.

To explain how the hell I even got there in the first place and how the synaptic misfire occurred, let's go back a lot further and then catch up real quick.

America is a piece of shit when it comes to higher education and I've been battling to manage a $70,000 debt since 2008. Before suggestions happen, I've done everything and there's nothing else I can do to try and make it manageable. It's probably going to leave me homeless in the next couple years unless some magical high paying job drops out of the sky (fingers crossed, it does!).

This extreme debt lead to 2 suicide attempts - one in August 2016 and one in November 2016. These attempts lead to my family violating privacy laws to get an ultimatum to me while I was in the hospital. The ultimatum was written by my brother who's a lawyer so it was as shitty as it could possibly be. It stated that if I wanted their "help," I had to jump through all of these hoops including calling and asking permission to purchase over the counter medication and allowing them to discuss EVERYTHING with any mental health specialist I saw - treatment plans, what I disclosed in my sessions, any progress I've made. "Help" is written that way because they never said what help they would provide; only had stipulations that amounted to total control of my life. Complete and utter bullshit, I was not having that. Because I declined their offer of "help," they disowned me. My father was the last person I spoke to and I told him I wanted removed from my parents' will. I want nothing from them and would not dispute a single word. This was about 2.5 years ago so most of them I haven't spoken to in over 3 years. There's a really long complicated situation and timeline with all of this, which is why different family members have different lengths of time of not being spoken to.

So the holidays are a bit of a downer for me. The November suicide attempt/ultimatum happened two weeks before the American Thanksgiving holiday - so a lot of things in my life came crashing down around this time of year. While I enjoy my solitude, and love that I mostly slept all Christmas day this year because my friends were all distracted with their things and didn't text me, it still gets me down. I do get invited to join my friend's family gatherings, but that kind of turns into awkwardness - either I'm not opening a gift (which weirds some people out and gets me some dumbass pity comments) or I get presented with random generic gift to open and feel included, usually in the form of some cheese tray or toiletry item or candle. Gift giving really isn't my thing to begin with so it's easier to save everyone some time and energy, save myself from fake smiles and thank yous, and just stick to myself - though I do love cheese.

BUT that's how I ended up reading the damn news story in the first place. It was this cool thing I did in recent months and I thought looking at the stats would cheer me up. Instead, some wording became the last unstable brick in the (apparently already precarious) Jenga stack of my mind and it came tumbling down.

Now in this case, I did have a point, but it's nothing that requires a retraction or rewrite or indicates the writer is a terrible person. A leaderboard for everyone, regardless of which side they sign up for, is awesome, and would avoid any potentially upsetting wording (that's a dig at myself, go with it).

So when I posted the thread and went off the rails about it, I got a lot of variety in responses. I want to state - this is explaining how my head processes things, I don't want anyone to feel like I'm calling them out and how I took things is in no way indicative of how anyone truly is or what their intentions were. We all handle things differently based on our experiences, and I can be a fucking mess to deal with sometimes. So I wasn't looking for help understanding what I read. I wasn't looking to insult the staff. My point was all over the damn place and I just felt like I needed to be heard. But my head was actively working to make sure that that didn't happen. As this blog is probably indicative of, I have the curse of too many words. I just needed to get the point out and have it heard, but my head channeled so many emotions into it, it lost all meaning. I took a relatively concise point, and not a bad suggestion for next year (I know MrUnknown took the top spot, but was there anyone else that did team only that could've fallen into place in a top 5 or 10?), and turned it into a complete nightmare. Minor wording was the thing that broke my head at an ungodly hour of the night when I should've been sleeping.

And that's it. It had nothing to do with anything, but hit me at a pretty vulnerable moment.

So now that it happened and it's done, I want to run and hide. When that side of me gets exposed, I just want to disappear. I get embarrassed. I'm a 6'1" 200 lb big dude that crochets and knits dresses for theirself and can rock a pair of 6" stiletto heels and even run at a full sprint in them - there are very few things on this planet that can embarrass me, but losing control of my anxiety like I did is one of them.

In my tangents, I mentioned some things that happened after the GTTSC that I have kept relatively quiet about until now. When it's a community as small as this and things are public I never think people don't know things. So I cannot stop my head from thinking "everyone knows about this and thinks I'm an asshole.' In reality, I'm probably just drawing more attention to things that have been very well hidden under the rug to most people, but have felt like an elephant in the room to me and I don't know why. There is 0 plan here for bringing it up now other than "my-head-has-been-keeping-a-lid-on-this-pot-for-a-while-now-and-the-pot-boiled-over-last-week-and-the-lid-hit-the-fucking-ceiling-and-now-everyone-knows-so-I-need-to-say-something-or-it-will-be-unfinished-business-in-the-air" and my head can't handle that. Big middle finger to my brain.

I'll always be the first to admit when I'm an asshole and, in that situation, I wasn't an asshole. I was a fucking cunt. I had some valid points and I made them clearly and threw in some bullshit too. At that point in time, after 12 VERY LONG weeks of the forum, I'd heard enough about the method I used to win and I was tired of reading "If I'd done XYZ, I could've won" and all the crap about scanners and plans and stacks and regions and variants - OH MY! I wanted to relax after doing probably the dumbest gaming thing I've ever done to take the win and just enjoy the win for like, 24-48 hours while I unwound from the extreme push I did that week, and it felt like I couldn't do that. So that person is entitled to their feelings because I don't have much of a filter when I'm a fucking cunt and can be fairly cutting with my words. They got a very sharp end of a very large 12 week stick (that's a very random, very dirty metaphor) and we both said a lot/too much.

I personally deleted the exchange - it wasn't pretty and it didn't need to be seen beyond anyone who happened upon it at the time, but it did hurt to be blasted publicly as an asshole in a post that couldn't be taken down. My name wasn't specifically dropped, but, as I said, in a community as small as this, I never think people don't know things and it threw panic in my head. Because even though the exchange no longer existed, I couldn't stop (and even now can't stop) thinking that everyone knew what happened anyway and everyone thought I was an asshole based on that post. I don't think the person knew I could see it because they blocked me, but feeds are apparently still viewable when someone blocks you, and I saw it when I was trying to get a private dialogue going to try to iron things out.

If there's one thing about me to take away from this - I'm all bark and no bite. I will go on ad nauseum about the dumbest shit when I lose control of my head and I tend to back down only after I've done damage, whether it's embarrassing myself or being a fucking cunt. But the way I see it, everyone's on a different page and we all read differently. Sometimes stopping to sift through bullshit and trying to find the one nugget of relevant information will help us find the same page. Sometimes taking things out of the public sector and going private with an "Is everything ok?" is better. And sometimes, we need to recognize when someone has lost their page in their own book and is frantically flipping through pages trying to find it and failing miserably, but that's an extremely difficult thing to recognize, and even harder to mediate. That's why I cut people a lot of slack. I can't ask to be cut any slack when I lose my shit if I don't give it out freely, when needed.

This planet is hard enough to live on and I feel like over half the population has some form of anxiety and/or depression. Everyone having rational thought at the same time is impossible. The best we can do is owning our shit when we fuck up and trying to avoid doing the same thing twice - but anxiety and variations in how that manifests in me can throw a wrench in that plan. I wish there was an eye roll emoji for me here.

So I don't know if this explained anything like I wanted it to. I hope it did, but if it didn't, hey, you at least got a couple factoids about me. And I didn't get anything I wanted to do tonight done because this idea has been in my head for several days and I couldn't fight it any longer.
Posted by BenNoddy on 03 January 20 at 07:03 | There are 9 comments on this blog post - Please log in to comment on this blog.