Roster13's Blog - Oct to Dec 18 (5 followers)

In the past, I used to think that people who commited suicide were cowards. For choosing the easy way out, for giving up on the people that cared about them.

But now I understand them. I know that depression or any form of mental illness can fuck up someone so bad beyond repair.

It's not easy to deal with a mental problem. There is no such thing as taking pills or doing treatment and you'll be healed forever. Medicine and treatment work ? Yes, same with having family and friends supporting and being there for you works. But the feeling never goes away, you never go through life without having those moments where you want to cut yourself so badly or just end it all because your brain doesn't stop telling and remembering you how much of a piece of shit and useless you are, even though it's not true. It's so bad that you don't even feel like a human being anymore.

I'm not saying you can't recover from depression or any other mental disease for that matter, but for the people who don't they need to be extremely, and I mean EXTREMELY, strong to live through that nightmare. And many just don't.

These are just my thoughts on the subject. I don't meant to offend anyone or wan people to feel sorry for me or for anyone who suffers from mental issues.
Posted by Roster13 on 09 December 18 at 05:53 | Last edited on 21 December 18 at 01:41 | There are 2 comments on this blog post - Please log in to comment on this blog.
Online RelationshipPermalink
Just a random blog post so I can share my pain and sadness about what I have learned with online relationships and what I have done wrong.

First of all, a lot of people might think such thing as online dating or relationship is a ridiculous idea if you don't plan to meet the person or if you guys don't live near each other. I also have that same mentality at times.

I won't describe everything about it because it's too much to write and most of it wouldn't make sense to people reading it or even myself.

I have never thought about dating online until about 4 years ago, when I first bought my PS4 and starting adding people to play online games it and just message here and there when you get bored enough on your phone. I never had such idea in mind up to the point that I've met a girl and we used to message every single and play almost every day of the week, and naturally we've started to become close and hit it off as friends and then something more.

So ever since 4 years ago, we've been best friends and sometimes a couple on and off. We decided to just be happy together and be exclusive to one another given we were constantly with each other's company and we would wait no matter how long it took to meet each other and build a life together.

4 years you have never been together physically and you also had no idea when you were actually going to meet each other ? That's crazy right ? But funny enough, that wasn't the reason or one of the reasons to which we broke off as of recently.

People change, sometimes for the best and others for the worst. The good moments you used to have gets replaces by the discussions and fights you have with your loved one after you notice that they have changed and you can't do anything about it but pray. When you notice that the relationship is being one sided and that the other person stopped putting effort as much as they used to.

I can't say that was the sole reason why things went downhill, as I am a big part to blame. I used to be really uptight about when she used to go out and if she would rather stay at home. At first in the relationship it was not a big deal because I had things to do and so did she, so I would just be busy and then we would talk or play again when convenient. Sadly over the years I started to suffer from depression, to the point that you get needy and wants attention from the people who are close to you because you can't open yourself to friends ( I haven't even opened myself ot my Family too ). To the point that you complain and demand so much from the person you love, that they get burnt out trying to make you happy and make sacrifices for you and they don't want to anymore. It's hard to explain to someone how you feel and how it feels to be sitting home all day long, doing nothing when your motivation is so low, that you can't even get out of bed for most days. You can't explain such feelings unless the person has experienced them themselves. Partially was because I wanted to be there for them too you know ? I wanted to be the person she used to go out to the movie theater with, or to the mall, or to a birthday, and not with friends. So that plays a big role too in my mood and how I used to childisly react and make mistakes too.

Bottom line is, she got tired of putting effort into our relationship and she also got tired of getting so much shit and insults and complains from me after months of a declining relationship who was nothing more than two distant people trying to be something in the end. It still doesn't hurt any less knowing that the person you truly loved the most is gone and you have to move on with your life knowing that you had done so many mistakes and can't even try to fix them because there is nothing left of a relationship anymore or love. Breaking up was the best thing for both parts and I admit that, especially after I put her through so much for no reason at all because she has been Always loyal, trustworthy and loving for me even when I behaved like a total idiot.

I am not a bad person, but I have made a lot of mistakes and they will torment me for years given I have depression and everything is worse, but I hope that someday I can meet some just as great and as amazing as the person I used to know, because I have learned from my mistakes and I won't make anyone suffe as much as I did with my ex-girlfriend.

I am mostly typing this so I can vent and make this a memory so I can remind myself to not be the same idiot I used to be and can do better by the person who loves me If I ever get such opportunity again in life.

I'm having a horrible weekend, so I decided to write mostly for myself, but I truly appreciate if you took the time to read this.
Posted by Roster13 on 11 November 18 at 23:45 | There are 4 comments on this blog post - Please log in to comment on this blog.