As a man, I've heard all of my life how painful childbirth is; the women in my life have pounded this fact over my head for as long as I can remember that it's one of the most painful experiences a person could ever face. In my head, I've always thought that I could take the agony of childbirth, but without some sort of Litmus Test, I wasn't sure. But, that's before I played Turbo Stunt Squad, quite possibly the most painful video game on the market. Ever.
Turbo Stunt Squad doesn't really have a story, beyond the story that the game, itself, ruined my life, it is more of a challenge game. It features a number of levels across a couple different areas, and each level features a list of challenges. These challenges range from collectibles, to scoring targets, and tricks. The levels are quite large, and are on a number of different planes that require taking a correct route to achieve. This, without a doubt, is one of the most challenging parts of Turbo Stunt Squad, or TSS, is finding out how to get where you need to go. Beyond that, the fact that Turbo Stunt Squad is a child’s game is amazing, because TSS is so difficult it could make a newborn child whittle a binky into a shiv to stab themselves in the throat.
Turbo Stunt Squad has an amazing touch to its controls; it feels exactly like walking across a floor covered in slugs while barefoot. It is all squishy, in other words. There is terrible lag between button presses and on-screen action and your snail fall through the map, from time to time. Moreover, there's no reverse in TSS, which you need when your slug falls to a lower level and behind obstructions. Lastly, Turbo Stunt Squad is so slow, if your newborn baby shivs himself or herself in the neck with the binky shiv, they'll surely die before your snail could turn around and see the baby bleeding out.
Bits and Pieces
Turbo Stunt Squad is terrible on all accounts. I could go on and on about every little piece of the game, but it really doesn't matter. The one thing I'll tell you is my initial TSS2reaction to going back and playing the game for a second time, I told a friend "I'd rather be re-circumcised with a rusty spoon without drugs." I think that pretty much covers it.
Turbo Stunt Squad is terrible, without a doubt the worst game of the year. Yes, it's worse than The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct, worse than Omerta: City of Gangsters, and yes, worse than WRC 3. My only hope is to save one, yes one baby newborn from whittling a binky into a shiv. Overall, I'd give Turbo Stunt Squad a 31/100, after taking major deductions due to the intense counseling I'll need for ever having played it. Please, for the love of God, and the continuation of the greatness of America.